ESPORTSREPORTER.COM / JOSHUA LEE – STAFF WRITER / FEBRUARY 14TH, 2021 /
*warning* Contents of this article may be offensive to readers. Proceed at your own discretion.
Welcome back to solemn judgement. We took a little break from writing this week due to technical difficulties, but we’re back now…and we’re nowhere near done yet.
I know I left out some popular one’s in the last few roast sessions, but that’s because I wanted to make sure that everyone who matters gets addressed. Just kidding…or am I?
Rainbow Six Siege:
You’re the absolute sweatiest of sweaties. I can’t recall if I called a different type of gamer the sweatiest, but I take it back. No one holds a goddamn candle to you. You head-glitch, camp, scream into your mics at full capacity, and do run-outs like it’s your job. And it’s not, I promise you. There are people who actually get paid to play like their lives depend on it, and I doubt you’re one of them. Maybe take it easy and you’ll end up with less holes in your walls. Smoke a joint or something. Caveira can’t interrogate you if you’re high.
World of Warcraft:
Honestly, I don’t know what to say about you guys. What hasn’t been said? Congratulations on your longevity or whatever.
Heroes of the Storm:
You know Dota and League are a thing right? You’re a Blizzard fan and thought you’d enjoy another one of their products. Chances are, you found yourself oddly satisfied with Blizzard characters in a moba, or you dumped this shit the moment you got your crossover rewards from it. If you do play it, you have probably tried to one-trick Tracer or Azmodan until you realized everyone else is trying to as well. But seriously though, go try out a non-Blizzard product for once.
Yes we know Russian LoL is superior. Your experience is a sunk cost fallacy, but you keep playing.
League of Legends:
You are a terrible person and if you don’t think you are, YOU ARE. You are likely to put half of your yearly salary into skins, and you don’t ever think twice. You’re also either Korean or really dedicated to one day beating a Korean. In-game I mean, unless…
You love -ology books and probably hated other MOBA’s or just sucked at them. Something about being a God or a Demi-God of some sort just entices you, and keeps you coming back for more. The game hasn’t changed in the last millenia, but hey. At least you’re enjoying it, right? Enjoy your Last Airbender and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Cosmetics that cost you entire paychecks.
No one takes you seriously. Vroom vroom go boom boom or whatever you guys do in this game. Nah but seriously, you dedicated hundreds of hours to learn how to fly a car into a soccer ball, and I think that’s admirable. I’m going to go take a drive in real life while you’re at it.
Hey kid, don’t let your mom find out about that credit card.
You people all are hacks. You decided Warzone wasn’t real enough for you somehow and ended up here. I’m sure you feel like a real soldier when you play this game. Don’t get mad at girls when they snipe your ass, just get good.
So you picked up the game because you like rts, sci-fi, and Blizzard. You wanted to get better but you can’t speak or read Korean. You finally learned at a basic level and now everyone is on League. Hey maybe 3 will come out soon.
Gears of War:
You thought CoD players ate Doritos and drank Mountain Dew? You guys snort Monster and chew water. You are the “jocks” of esports and will scream like baboons.
And there you have it. Congrats on making it through this without crying and blasting us on Reddit. Maybe you’ll do it now that you’ve completed the article, who knows? Just a quaint reminder, however, that these are made in complete jest. We’re an esports news site, of course we play the same games. But yeah, we’re all scummy lil’ gamers.
Oh yeah, here’s a daily reminder to go outside and touch some grass. Happy post-Valentine’s Day, shmuck.
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