Cyber Punk’d


Do you love Keanu Reeves? If you do, me too! If you don’t, kindly log off of your computer and get your life together. Keanu Reeves is a man. He’s THE man. Keanu is the epitome of man, infact. Not all of his roles have been fantastic, but there’s still charm that he sprinkles on that cannot be ignored. Keanu could literally do no wrong, ever.

But CD Projekt Red sure as hell can. 

Welcome to my brutally honest review of Cyberpunk 2077. Prepare yourselves for my totally objective hatred for this game as well as my obstinate hope for its future.

I’ve been asked by several people why I bothered getting my hopes up for Cyberpunk when there were so many glaring red flags down the road. Why did I ignore all of the clear cut signals that this game was going to have a plethora of functional issues upon launch?


Nah but truthfully? Because I was enamored by The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. That game was absolutely one of the best freakin’ games I have ever played in my entire life. No exaggeration. Literally one of the best. And many would agree with me. The game was so good that its second DLC, Blood and Wine, won Game of the Year upon release. Unprecedented and much deserved. With a masterpiece of a game like this, I expected a lot from CDPR. And much like my parents with me, I was disappointed in them. 

So why? What led to my disappointment? The game thus far, before I deleted it until further notice, has a compelling story. The voice acting is amazing, the environment is sexy, and the side missions are actually pretty compelling most of the time. And it most certainly isn’t the lack of robo-hookers, because there’s a ton of those. No really, a ton. I’m not joking. 

No, it was something more basic than that. Like the beginning of a bad breakup, it started with a lie. A false promise. 

All of the trailers for Cyberpunk were gorgeous and astounding. Next-gen console graphics, the mention of extensive haptic feedback, a high-octane story, and Keanu. I’d be crazy to be disappointed with that, ya know, if that’s what I got. In place of a promised Garden of Eden, I got Main Street, Flushing. Sorry, that’s a New York specific reference, I’ll translate:

This crap sucks, dude.

The game is a glitchy nightmare. Not everyone has had the exact same experience I have, but there have been enough similar experiences for mine to count. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times this game has crashed on me, and don’t even get me started on how many times I’ve been glitch locked out completing missions. I’ve been stuck in walls, flung off my motorcycle from crashing into air, and had a shoot-out with magical teleporting cops. 

In fact, this game is so inherently flawed that CDPR is actually offering refunds to players:

(If you want to refund the game, be sure to read the refund policies of your respective gaming systems. You may not be eligible.)

While I wouldn’t recommend buying the game in its current state, I would recommend buying it in early next year for sure. Why? As shown in their statement above, CDPR has officially announced that they will be rolling out two major game-fixing patches. One will be released in January and one in February. And if you already own it, maybe just stick around for a bit before jumping off the boat. After all, the game isn’t completely hopeless. It was created with heart and tons and tons of effort. It’s just also an unfortunate product of angry, demanding fans and heartless work crunches in response to those demands. Maybe if we, as the gaming community, would stop with the vicious tweets and literal death threats before a game has even launched, just maybe we’d end up with more desirable outcomes. 

Seriously though, death threats? Over video games? What would Keanu think of that…

from Disappointed GIFs via Gfycat

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